Too much C++

(with apologies to Monty Python)

A customer enters a software shop.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

The owner does not respond.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this programming language what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Danish C++...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's crap, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...it's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a crap language when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no it's not crap, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable language, the Danish C++, idn'it, ay? Beautiful syntax!

Mr. Praline: The syntax don't enter into it. It's stone crap.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Plymorphic Language! I've got a lovely fresh computer for you if you show...

owner hits the cage

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLYMORPH!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

Takes language out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a crap language.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Danish C++'s stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That language is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged standards meeting.

Owner: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for a common runtime.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for a COMMON RUNTIME?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Danish C++ prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable language, id'nit, squire? Lovely syntax!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that language when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

pause

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that language down, it would have nuzzled up to those computers, broke 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this language wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This language is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the map! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-LANGUAGE!!

pause

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of languages.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got Java.

pause

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it support pointers?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

pause

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place an' dereference some pointers?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.